*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”