Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Made something I’m not proud of
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh