How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.