Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I got soap in my shower beer again.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.