We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Something Saturday.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.