Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners