guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
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*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.