ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
❤️🦆
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve