One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it