I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.