Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.