I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair