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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.