“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Meeeee too!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze