*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My work here is don’t.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do