Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
When news reporters do sports stories