I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”