“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
japanese corn
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?