How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve