Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!