90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
You Might Also Like
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Woke up against my better judgment again
If looks could kill
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.