First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
i think both sides are to blame here
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.