Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
mariah carrie
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
This has made my week.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce