[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.