The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
when nothing goes right… go left
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said