I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
#milo
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.