8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
they really do be looking like this
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
listen closely
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.