Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.