Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i鈥檓 the only one here
CEO: yep
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I鈥檒l just bring my blanket.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
when there are deer in the woods
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Very good! 馃憤馃槀
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that鈥檚 all the stairs he鈥檚 gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.