i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun