TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Unimpressed
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting