interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
You Might Also Like
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?