Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Breaking news:
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.