I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.