TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there