doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Catering service
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*