Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.