Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it