I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.