The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can