Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.