me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
There are no pants in heaven.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.