I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’