[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
You Might Also Like
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.