What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway