Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*lint rolls you awake*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool