Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up