[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.