9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer