[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
You Might Also Like
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
😆this is so true
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.